Creative Blog Post: 10 Minute Play

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY By Catherine McCue

The sound of a train. A pause. Two robbers, dressed near cartoonish, with big black eye masks and black woolen caps, with black and white striped long sleeved shirts and black pants and shoes, skulk onto the stage. The physicalization is cartoonish.

ROBBER 1
So bruddah, have you got it all ready?

ROBBER 2
I think so sistah.

          Brings out a large bag, sets it on the ground, rummages through it.

Call it out for me sistah.

ROBBER 1
Ropes.

ROBBER 2
Check.

ROBBER 1
Robbin’ bags.

ROBBER 2
Robins? I thought we were stealing!

ROBBER 1
What? Of course we’re stealing ya numbskull! What do ya think I am? A bird watcher?

ROBBER 2
I dunno... I just hear what I hear.

ROBBER 1
Well hear something else. Guns.

          ROBBER 2 whips out 2 guns from bag, and pretends to fire them.

ROBBER 2
BAM BAM!

          Pause.

Check.

ROBBER 1
Train tickets.

ROBBER 2
Nope.

ROBBER 1
What?

ROBBER 2
We ain't got train tickets, sistah!

ROBBER 1
What?! Then how we suppose to get on the train, bruddah?

ROBBER 2
I dunno. Jump on it.

ROBBER 1
Like a bunch of lowlife theives? Wouldja evah....(Pause)
Well, we ain’t got time to be thinkin’ such dainty thinks. We gotta think about the next think that’s gonna think itself up!

ROBBER 2
What else do you think we need, sistah?

ROBBER 1
You know what think I’m thinking, don’tcha bruddah?

ROBBER 2
I think so, sistah.

ROBBER 1
Bring it out bruddah.

            ROBBER 2 pulls out a wad of dynamite from inside the bag.

Dynamite!

ROBBER 2
Right!

          Train whistle heard again. Both spring into obscene action.

Come on, bruddah!  Let’s catch this train!

          Both begin to run, outrageous runs, in place.

ROBBER 2
Sistah?

ROBBER 1
What bruddah?

ROBBER 2
Say that it’s the wrong train?

ROBBER 1
Well, bruddah. We're already runnin’

          Pause.

‘Sides, I brought a stick to whack you across the head with if you was doin’ anyting stupid.

ROBBER 2
Oh, bruddah.

ROBBER 1
I’m your sistah, numbskull!

          Takes stick from bag and whacks him across the head with it. Lights down, robbers exit stage.   Lights back up on train carriage, with HERO, and DAMSEL inside. DAMSEL is fanning herself dramatically.

DAMSEL
Oh, me oh my oh me oh my!

HERO
What is it, my love?

DAMSEL
I just feel so faint! I always feel faint...

HERO
Delicate ladies like yourself are prone to such tragic episodes. It’s one of the downfalls of being so elegant!

DAMSEL
Oh, darling! I’m so elegant I can hardly even feel my toes! Maybe my corset is too tight...

HERO
Now don’t you go ruining that pretty little waist of yours, m’lady. Besides, dainty ladies like you weren’t meant to sit for so long! You’re exerting yourself! Here, I’ll fan you.

          HERO brings out enormous fan, begins to fan DAMSEL. DAMSEL sits back luxuriantly in chair. There is a whistle, and CONDUCTOR comes charging in. He/she wears a typical old style train drivers uniform, replete with cap, ascot, etc, and rings a large bell as he runs. Everyone has a run that is grossly overdone.

CONDUCTOR
Mayday! Mayday! We’ve got robbers!

HERO
Run that by me again, buddy?

CONDUCTOR
We’ve got robbers on the train!

HERO
Say it isn't so!

CONDUCTOR
It isn't so.

HERO
What?

CONDUCTOR
You wanted me to say it isn't so.

HERO
I want you to tell me the truth!

CONDUCTOR
We’ve got robbers!

HERO
Say it isn't so!

CONDUCTOR
It isn't s-

DAMSEL
There are robbers? Oh, oh, oh!

          DAMSEL faints. HERO gapes hugely and grossly over done, charges to her side, and takes out the big fan again, fanning DAMSEL.

HERO
Now look what you’ve done!

CONDUCTOR
I didn’t do no-

HERO
We aren't getting anywhere just sitting around here having a chat! Who’s driving the train?

CONDUCTOR
I think one of the robbers is.

HERO
You let the robber drive the train!?

CONDUCTOR
Well who else was going to man the front while I was crying mayday?

HERO
What about one of the passengers?

CONDUCTOR
They can’t drive a train!

HERO
Tell me where the robber is, and I’ll take care of him!

CONDUCTOR
He’s drivin’ the train!

HERO
Did he have a buddy?

CONDUCTOR
The passenger?

HERO
The robber!

CONDUCTOR
I didn’t see one!

HERO
There has to be another one!

CONDUCTOR
How?

HERO
Who’s going to rob the train when the robber’s driving it?

CONDUCTOR
Gee, I dunno.

HERO
The other robber.

DAMSEL recovers from fainting spell, sits up.

DAMSEL
Did I miss anything?

HERO
Not a pick my love. You sit right here while I go take care of the crooks.

DAMSEL
Oh, be careful darling! Be careful....

          DAMSEL faints again, HERO hands CONDUCTOR the fan.

HERO
Fan her.

CONDUCTOR
I can’t!

HERO
Why not?

CONDUCTOR
I have to cry mayday!

HERO
You’re lookin after the lady, whether you like it or not, buster!

          HERO looks around while CONDUCTOR carries DAMSEL offstage. HERO goes from car to car, until he gets to the front of the train. ROBBER 2, who was shoveling coal, comes on and resumes driving, until he sees HERO.

ROBBER 2
How’d you get down here?

HERO
Down here? You mean up here! I ran up here!

ROBBER 2
But we’re going south!

HERO
How do you know we’re going south, buster?

ROBBER 2
Because I’m the one drivin’ the train!

HERO
Listen, buddy, I don’t like your tone!

ROBBER 2
Then don’t interrupt me.

HERO
Do you want to get yourself into a little bit of an accident?

ROBBER 2
No.

HERO
Then I suggest you step aside.

          Pause.

ROBBER 2
Fight me.

          HERO hesitates, then lunges at ROBBER 2, who dodges commically. The two begin to run back through the cars, chasing. ROBBER 2 is in the lead, but HERO slowly gains on him, until he is right behind him.

HERO
I’m catching up now, aren’t I? ha-ha! Dumb thugs like you are no match for m-

          HERO runs past ROBBER 2, realizes mistake, and then slows down a bit until he is behind him again. Then, he tackles him to the ground.

Whadaya say to that?

          HERO gets ROBBER 2 in head lock, taunts like a bully.

ROBBER 2
What do ya think you're doin'?

HERO
Say uncle!

ROBBER 2
What?

HERO
Say uncle!

ROBBER 2
Uncle, uncle!

          HERO doesn’t stop.

Uncle, uncle, aunts, cousins, come on!

HERO
You’re not a very good robber, are you?

ROBBER 2
You’re not a very good hero, are you?

          They fight some more, and ROBBER 1 steps out of the shadows with DAMSEL. ROBBER 1 breaks the fight up, with acclamations of horror from DAMSEL.

ROBBER 1
For the love of all things theivery, what do ya think you're doin’?

ROBBER 2
Sorry sistah. Comin' to an... agreement...

HERO
Where’s that low life thief?! Lemme at ‘im!

HERO lunges for ROBBER 2, but ROBBER 1 stops him, pointing to DAMSEL.

ROBBER 1
Not so fast buddy! I got your princess right here!

HERO
My love!

DAMSEL
Oh, darling! There’s not much hope left for me! (to ROBBER 1) please let us go!

ROBBER 1
If you plan to do what I tell ya to do, then you can be sure that we’ll see what we can do. Capiche?

DAMSEL
Capoche.

HERO
Darling! Don’t listen to them!

ROBBER 1 knocks HERO out. He falls to the floor. DAMSEL screams, faints, and then recovers, screaming again.

DAMSEL
Why would you do such a thing?

ROBBER 1
To shut that guy up. Where’s the conductor?

ROBBER 2
Manning the front.

ROBBER 1
Man it with ‘im.

ROBBER 2
'Course, sistah.

ROBBER 1
Oh. And one more thing.

ROBBER 2 comes up, and ROBBER 1 bops him on the head with stick.

ROBBER 2
What was that for?

ROBBER 1
For almost lettin’ Mr. Hero get away.

          ROBBER 2 goes back offstage, to the front of the train. ROBBER 1 and DAMSEL are left alone. ROBBER 1 takes off face mask.

Oh, thank the lord. I thought I was gonna be wearin’ this the whole time.

DAMSEL
You have such a pretty face!

ROBBER 1
What of it? You think I’m dainty? Think again!

          ROBBER 1 hocks a loogey, looks at DAMSEL with vehemence.

Prissy little girls like you make toughies like me sick. Get a backbone, ya yellow belly!

DAMSEL
Why did a pretty girl like you choose a dastardly life of crime? Why?!

ROBBER 1
What? Oh... Well, if ya really want to know...

          Looks around to see if HERO or ROBBER 2 is awake or back. But it’s only the two girls.

I was tired of wearin’ corsets and stiff skirts. I wanted something wild! The adventure life!

DAMSEL
Being a criminal is the lowliest of the low!

ROBBER 1
But ya have the highest of highs! When you're in the middle of a robbery, and you're stuffing the money in the bag like fresh buns, you can smell those greens rollin over in that bag, and ya think to yourself- this is the life.

DAMSEL
That’s terrible!

ROBBER 1
That’s the adventure life! I’d never go back to those stiff skirts.

          Pause.

Still. Your waist is just so... dainty! How didja get it that way?

DAMSEL
I wear corsets!

ROBBER 1
Ain’t it hard to run?

DAMSEL
Oh, I never run!

ROBBER 1
You've never felt the wind in your hair?

DAMSEL
I’d faint before I could.

ROBBER 1
Ya haven’t lived, damselly. Ya haven’t lived.

DAMSEL
Well... (looks around secretively) I would perhaps... like to... live?

ROBBER 1
Atta gal!

          ROBBER 1 helps DAMSEL get out of her ‘stiff dress’, and out of her corset. DAMSEL breaths out a sigh of relief.

So... how does it feel?

DAMSEL
It feels... it feels.... Like a breath of fresh air.

ROBBER 1
Ha!

          DAMSEL and ROBBER 1 laugh for a moment, then, spontaneously, DAMSEL jumps up, and puts up her fists.

DAMSEL
(inspirational)
I may be dainty! But I can give a good fight! Put ‘em up!

          HERO wakes up, and faints again, not believing what he sees. DAMSEL stands over him protectively. ROBBER 1 laughs, punches DAMSEL, sending her reeling back in a cartoonish way.

Oh wow.

ROBBER 1
Ya, see, girly. You're just a dumb Dora! How about ya let your hero over there do the saving, and me and my bruddah do the stealin!

DAMSEL
I’m not a dumb Dora... you’re dumb, you dumby... dumbo!

ROBBER 1
Ha!

          ROBBER 2 returns with a bag full of cash, and ROBBER 1 ties DAMSEL up beside HERO.

Ya got the dough?

ROBBER 2
You know it!

ROBBER 1
No I don’t! That’s why I’m askin’ you!

ROBBER 2
Well I’ve got it! Now let’s beat this locomotive, and buy us a castle!

ROBBER 1
Nah... You a sap or what? Let’s get... a Packard!

ROBBER 2
Yeah!

          ROBBER 2 jumps out of the train.

ROBBER 1
Well, it’s been nice knowin’ ya! But we can’t leave any evidence, so...

          Pulls out the dynamite, HERO gasps.

HERO
I didn’t sign up for this kind of ride!

          ROBBER 1 lights the dynamite, and gets ready to go jump out of the train. The ground is offstage, right and left.

ROBBER 1
See ya!

          ROBBER 1 jumps out of train, with protests from DAMSEL.

DAMSEL
Oh, no! I’m sorry, darling! I guess I am just a dummy...

HERO
No you're not, my love. You’re smarter than I always was, or ever will be.

DAMSEL
Oh! Now I’ve got to think of something!

HERO
Wait, dainty lady! Didn’t you used to do the high kick?

DAMSEL
Oh... why, of course not! Why would I ever-

HERO
Don’t lie! How about you try and kick that dynamite out the window?

DAMSEL
Oh, wow! I don’t know if I could do it...

HERO
Well, you've only got one chance, so you better do it right!

DAMSEL
Well, sweetie... okay... one. two... three!

          Lights down just as she calls three. Lights back up slowly. Nighttime. ROBBER 1 and 2 are sneaking with the money. They hear wailing sirens.

ROBBER 2
Sistah, what are the cops doin’ out in the fields at a time like this?

ROBBER 1
I don’t know! The only thing that comes through here is the train... damselly....

ROBBER 2
You were the last one out of the train, affirmative?

ROBBER 1
Oh bruddah.

          ROBBER 2 takes stick and whacks ROBBER 1 on the head.

ROBBER 2
Rightso, sistah!

          Lights down as ROBBER 1 and ROBBER 2 stick their hands up in surrender.